The Unknown Want
by Honeychurch Lallybroch
Summary: *SLASH* Remus Lupin/Sirius Black...The One True Way
1. Default Chapter

O you singer solitary, singing by yourself, projecting me,

Disclaimer: We assure you, JK _did not_ write this one. 

**SLASH** AHOY!

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**_The Unknown Want_**

**Chapter One**

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_O you singer solitary, singing by yourself, projecting me,_

_O solitary me listening, never more shall I cease perpetuating you,_

_Never more shall I escape, never more the reverberations,_

_Never more the cries of unsatisfied love be absent from me._

_Never again leave me to be the peaceful child I was before what was there in the night,_

_By the sea under the yellow and sagging moon,_

_The messenger there aroused, the fire, the sweet hell within,_

_The unknown want, the destiny of me._

_--Walt Whitman "Out of The Cradle Endlessly Rocking"_

** **

Sirius bounded forward on all fours, and fell onto his back, legs in the air. Harry shrieked with laughter, and pounded his little hands on his godfather's belly. From her place on the couch, Lily laughed at them and stuck her feet into James's lap in a silent demand for a foot rub.  

Twilight stained the room in Godric's Hollow a soft blue, and the waning moon shone through the windows. Remus sighed, content and drowsy. They'd spent the entire day working in Lily's enormous garden, and he felt pleasantly sore and ready for sleep. Peter, sitting in the armchair opposite him, was already snoring slightly.  He loved evenings like this, all of them together, all of them still safe.  He just didn't understand how Sirius had energy left to cavort with a toddler.   

"Up!" Harry threw his arms into the air and looked at Sirius expectantly. Sirius sat up, looking guiltily from Harry to Lily.  Unaware of his godfather's unease, Harry repeated his request loudly. "Up!" 

Sirius glanced at Lily questioningly. 

Lily's eyes narrowed. "No. Absolutely not."

His face fell.  "Don't you trust me?"

"Oh, honestly." Lily exclaimed exasperatedly. 

Remus grinned. The battle was already lost. Lily would never be able to resist the combined charms of Sirius Black and her son. Remus reached for his butterbeer and settled back to enjoy the show. 

"Up?" Harry repeated.  

Sirius shook his head. "Sorry mate. Your mum says no." 

Harry's lower lip began to tremble, and the brilliant green eyes he turned to his mother were brimmed with tears. 

Sirius' lower lip came out as well, and he sat up on his knees next to Harry. "Please Lily?"

  
"James! Help!" Lily turned to her husband sprawled on the couch next her, laughing. 

He waved his hands in protest. "Don't look at me!"

Lily looked from James to Harry and Sirius who were gazing at her pleadingly. She rolled her eyes and sighed. "Fine. But not _too high." _

Sirius winked at her as he pulled his wand from his pocket.  "Wingardum Leviosa!" Slowly, Harry began to rise into the air. Directing the movement with his wand, Sirius moved the toddler in a series of dips and rotations, with Harry squealing in delight the entire time. James threw an arm around his wife, who was laughing along with her son.  Harry waved a tiny hand at his smiling parents, who waved back.  Finally, Sirius lowered him to the ground. Harry yawned and rubbed his eyes. 

Lily leaned forward. "I think it's time for bed." 

Sirius lay down next him on the floor.  "What do you think Harry? Wanna sleep on the floor with me?"  Placing his hands under his head, he shut his eyes. Harry hesitated for a moment, and then crawled across the floor toward Sirius.  He lay his head down on the outstretched arm and closed his eyes.  He fell asleep almost immediately.  Soon Sirius' loud snores bore testament to the fact that he had fallen asleep as well.  

"Caught in his own trap," said Remus in amusement.  

James laughed. "He's got the right idea, though. It's definitely bedtime. Somebody prod Peter and send him home.  He'll get a neck cramp if he spends the night in that chair."

Lily got up from the couch and stretched lazily. "Do you want to bring Harry upstairs, James? Remus and I can take care of the other two babies." 

James scooped a sleepy Harry from the ground.  He settled his son onto his shoulder, and Harry curled his arm around James' neck.  Lily smoothed the shock of black hair back from Harry's eyes and reached up to do the same to her husband.  James smiled at her before turning to climb the stairs.

Something wrenched in Remus's heart as he watched them. They had such an easy affection together; the highest place in each other's hearts, and they both knew it. Unconsciously, his eyes dropped to the sleeping man on the floor.  He didn't envy James and Lily. Their happiness was one of the things that brought him contentment, but it still hurt sometimes to know that he'd never have what they did.  That he couldn't even tell him.

It was harder now than it used to be, he thought, watching Sirius breathe quietly in sleep. His black hair was tousled from Harry's small hands, and his robes were in disarray. He looked like a child fallen asleep in the middle of play.  There were more moments like this now, where it was a physical pain not to be able to stretch out beside him, smooth his crumpled hair, and kiss him awake.  In spite of himself, Remus felt the corner of his mouth twitch, imagining Padfoot's reaction to that.  Even unrequited love had its moments of levity.   

"Remus?" Lily's soft voice broke into his thoughts. Startled, he tore his gaze from Sirius and looked up to find Lily leaning against the open doorway to the kitchen. Her green eyes were sympathetic, and he tried to smile in reassurance. It didn't bother him that Lily knew how he felt about his best friend; in fact, it was a relief to him that the knowledge belonged to someone else other than himself.  He'd never actually talked to her about it, and she'd never broached the subject with him.  But she knew somehow- she'd known for years. 

"I should probably wake him up and haul him home," he said, his voice light but controlled.  She smiled back, the understanding in her eyes was unmistakable, and he could feel the warm of her sympathy from across the room.  

** **

"No progress getting them to their own beds, yet?" James's head poked around Lily's shoulder. "Wormtail is always nearly impossible to wake up, but surely you could have just kicked Padfoot awake."  He walked over to Peter and wiggled his shoulder. "Oi, you there! You're drooling on the upholstery." 

Peter grunted and muttered, "I'm not asleep, I can hear every word you say," before turning his face in the other direction and resuming his snores. 

James snorted. "Well, we offered him the easy way out. It's time for more drastic methods." His eyes gleamed with mischief as he headed for the kitchen.

"James, whatever you're planning, NO." Lily moved to intercept her husband.

"I can't believe I'm going to leave before the show starts, but I think I'm going to roust Sirius and head out," said Remus, grateful that his mood had been broken. 

"Your loss," said James cheerfully, and dodged under Lily's arm and into the kitchen.

"James!" Lily started to follow him from the room but stopped just inside the door. She turned back to Remus.  "Take care Remus. I wish…" but she stopped as Remus suddenly stood.  

"I will. Thanks for a lovely evening."   
  
She nodded and left the room.  

Remus stood over Sirius for a moment, looking down at the prone figure of his friend. 

"Hey, Sirius." Remus nudged him with his toe. "Wake up."  Sirius rubbed his face into the rug a little and sighed. 

***

Remus sat alone in the darkened living room, staring into the dying embers of the fire.  His ears picked up the distant rumble of thunder and a moment later, the soft pattering of rain on slate rooftops. It was appropriate weather, he supposed. Melancholy rain for a melancholy mood. Sirius had gone out almost immediately after they'd gotten home, and briefly, Remus wondered who he was meeting.  He hadn't asked, he usually didn't.  He told himself it was because he didn't care, but that was, of course, a lie.  Remus rubbed a hand across his rough jaw and sighed. The bottle of Drambuie Sirius kept in the cupboard was sounding extremely tempting. Suddenly, the fading light of the fire exploded in a smoky flash, startling Remus into a standing position.  Albus Dumbledore's head floated in the flames.  

"Remus? Are you there?"

"Yes. I'm here, Professor." Remus moved closer to the fireplace, and knelt next to the gate. "What's happened." 

The head nodded grimly. "There's been another attack."

Remus felt his heart skip. "Lily, Ja-, " he started, before the Professor cut him off. 

"No. It was the Bones". And it was…very bad.  One of the Death Eaters was captured…and I'd like you to be present at his questioning. Please hurry."

"I'll be right there, Professor." The brilliant fire faded, leaving only smoldering embers. He stood, and brushed the cinders from his trousers, as he tried to remember the Bones'. They were Aurors, he thought. Or…had been. And if he remembered correctly, they had a little girl around Harry's age.  Harry…his heart thumped as he tried to imagine what James and Lily must be going through, their little family in the center of a whirlwind. How long before it swallowed them whole?  The wind howled through the eaves, startling Remus from his thoughts.  An uneasy sensation settled into his stomach as he Apparated into the night. 

***

One half of the room was bathed in brilliant light, placing the dark, slumped figure in stark contrast.  The only interruption of black and white were the luminous green bands encircling the man's chest, torso, and wrists.  The tremulous and shimmering magical wall gave off a slight humming sound, giving hypnotizing testament to the powerful current flowing through its beautiful veneer.  Remus had not stepped fully into the room when the hairs on the back of his neck began to rise.  As the door swung closed behind them, Remus tensed. Even in human form, his nose had a heightened sense of awareness, and the room contained an unmistakable pungent aroma. Now he understood why Dumbledore wanted him here.  The smell was growing stronger. Slowly the dark figure began to stir.  Raising his head, the man's face came into full relief.  The mouth was bruised and swollen, blood running from both corners.  The area around the eyes was mottled, and one eye was almost completely closed but they were clear and alert.  As the silver-grey eyes met Lupin's he felt a growl rise in his throat.  The man's swollen lips twisted into a grotesque sneer.  Lupin stepped back from the barrier, never taking his eyes from the Death Eater. 

"He's a werewolf."  
  


"Are you sure?" 

  
Remus answered with a grim smile.  "You're going to need stronger restraints." 

Remus' statement sent the room into a flurry of activity.  Several wizards appeared to reinforce the bonds with a series of strengthening spells.  An additional restraint had been added; a manacle of silver placed around the man's neck.  Remus couldn't help wincing as the collar burned and bit into the man's flesh.  It gleamed dully at him amid the bloodied and blistered skin.  He had sent everyone from the room, and now a tense silence pressed in from all sides. 

It was Remus who finally broke the silence.  "What is your name?"

The man stared unblinkingly back at him. 

He asked again, sharper.  "What is your name?"

"Miles Griffon." The voice was raspy and brittle.  "And yours?"

"Remus Lupin."   
  
Griffon gave a scratchy laugh. "How appropriate."  

"If you give us names, perhaps they'll go easier on you at your trial." 

Griffon's laugh was sharp and harsh.  "I'm not going to have a trial Remus.  You know that. They don't send werewolves to Azkaban."   
  


" You'll get a trial just like everyone else. We don't operate the way Voldemort does." 

A scowl crossed Griffon's face. "We?" he spat. "If your _friends knew the truth about you we'd be sharing a cell right now._  You're a Dark creature, Remus. You should be serving a Dark master." 

"I prefer not to serve a master at all, thank you."

"But you already do, Remus. You're a slave to the beast inside you. You've spent your entire life inventing a facade of control, desperately convincing yourself that you maintain dominion over the wolf."

"Do not presume to know me, or who I am!" Remus snarled. 

"But I do know you, Remus. I was like you once. Living a half-life masked by the illusion of control, only to have the illusion shattered by each full moon. Each day a curse…but that's where I was wrong. It's a _gift_, Remus. A gift to be savored and enjoyed."

"Did you enjoy what you did last night?" He was afraid to hear the answer.  

"Oh _yes_." The obvious satisfaction made Remus' stomach twist. 

***

His eyes weren't really focussing on anything in the pub except for the single shot of Firewhiskey sitting on the table in front of him. The cadence of Sirius's voice stood out from the cacophony of voices around him, but the words eluded him, as if Padfoot's monologue was in a language he couldn't understand. 

Remus shut his eyes for a long moment.  He didn't want to be here, in a noisy, smoky, crowded pub.  He was tired of breathing everyone else's air, and the walls of the pub were suddenly closing in on him.  It was a struggle to breathe in here, and it wasn't just the smoke, or the funk of too many people in too small a space.  The wolf senses were too strong tonight, and he couldn't ignore them. He could sense them all individually; smell the intimate details of their lives.  He had no right to be here, pretending to be one of them, their eyes all passing over him as if he belonged. How had he ever mingled with them comfortably? He'd begun to believe his own lie, that's what happened, he thought bitterly. Somehow, he'd forgotten that he wasn't human. 

"She's really nice, Moony. She's very…kind. And pretty.  You've only met her a couple of times, and it seemed like maybe you didn't like her all that much, but she's one of those people who really grow on you."

Remus grunted absently.

"And I really like her company. She's very relaxing to be around."

Remus nodded, and pushed his glass around the table.  Sirius had been dating Natalia for a few months now.  He'd only met her a couple of times.  It wasn't as if he was objective on this subject, but she seemed pleasant enough. He didn't know anything about her, really.

"I haven't bought a ring or anything yet." 

_You're a slave to the beast inside you. Remus was back in a small room at the ministry, and the smell of another werewolf stung his nostrils.  He shook his head slightly and tried to concentrate. "What does she do at the Ministry?" _

"I don't know. Something in some international office there."

"Oh." He couldn't think of anywhere else to go from there. God, he was tired. If he had any hope of sleep tonight, he'd go home to bed, but as he was sure that he'd be up all night anyway, he might as well stay and listen to Sirius's prattle. 

"…I look at James and Lily and I wonder how they manage to be so happy.  I mean, knowing that Voldemort is targeting them. But they don't regret getting married, right?"

Remus downed his Firewhiskey and sat back in his chair. "Padfoot, what are you trying to tell me here?" He finally tuned into the conversation. "You're going to __propose to Natalia?" 

There was silence at the table.

"That's what I've been saying for the past half hour, Moony. Where have you been?"

"I'm sorry. I'm a little preoccupied."

"So what do you think?"

Remus fought the urge to lay his head down on the table. He couldn't believe this. He had just had one of the worst days ever in a life that encompassed quite a few very bad days, and he was now being forced to give Sirius advice about his love life.

"This is sudden, isn't it?" he didn't trust himself to say any more.

"We've been going out for five months now. That's not too sudden. Do you think it's _too _ sudden?" Sirius's voice was tinged with worry.

"No, I suppose not," He was too weary to do this tonight. "I'm sorry, Sirius. I'm probably not the right person to ask for advice about this."

Sirius surveyed him from across the table. "I know that this afternoon was strange for you, but it was just a coincidence. That he happened to be a werewolf.  There's no deeper meaning in it.  It doesn't have anything to do with you."

"It doesn't have anything to do with me?" Remus's voice was sharp, and incredulous.

Sirius looked taken aback for a moment.  Remus rarely raised his voice, and never in public.  He recovered quickly, though, and tried out a crooked half-smile- one of his most charming. "Hell, no, Moony.  It's just one of those things- like having an asshole for an uncle, or having bunch of jerks join a club you belong to. You shouldn't worry about it."

Remus jerked his head up and looked around the bar for a distraction. There was a haze over his vision that a single shot of Firewhiskey couldn't account for. Sirius was trying to handle him again. It wasn't just that Sirius always relied on his charm, which he did, but that he had a special brand of charm, a separate set of tactics that he'd developed to use only on him. He knew his weaknesses and how to play on them, just like a lover. It wasn't fair, thought Remus irrationally. It wasn't fair that he could be entirely oblivious and completely attuned to him at the same time. 

"Don't," he said irritably.

"I wish you would talk to me," Sirius said.  His face was earnest and concerned.  "You're a private person. I know. I respect that. But there's something… different about the way you aren't talking lately."

Remus could think of nothing to say.  He picked up his empty glass and put it back down. "This is just a bad night, Padfoot. I'm sorry. It doesn't have anything to do with you.  Congratulations on Natalia. I'm really happy for you."

"What did he say to you?" 

"What?"

"Come on, Moony.  What did Griffon say that got you this upset?"

He sighed. "Drop it. Please."

"Fine." There was another longish stretch of silence. 

"What were you saying earlier?"

Sirius shrugged.  "We don't have to talk about that."

"No, I'm sorry. You were saying something about James and Lily?"

Sirius accepted the change of subject.  "I was saying that I didn't know if it was the right time to be thinking about getting married and starting a family."  

"Because of Voldemort."

"Yeah."  His eyes grew troubled. "There's a war going on, and we know it, even if everyone else hasn't caught on yet."

Remus nodded. 

"I respect what Prongs and Lily are doing, trying to carve out some normalcy in this, and just live their lives." He took a drink from the glass of bitter in front of him. "But I don't know if I can do that. Not now.  Because…it would divide my focus too much, and now isn't the time to be selfish."

"You don't think they're selfish for getting married and having Harry, I know you don't." Remus wasn't entirely sure where Sirius was going with this.

"No, no.  But they did it for different reasons—I mean, they were James and Lily. They couldn't __not get married. And we were younger." 

"You're barely twenty-four, Sirius." 

"I don't mean that. I mean…it wasn't as bad. The Giants hadn't joined him yet, or any of the other Dark creatures." He paused. "Today wouldn't have happened then."  

_You should be serving a Dark master._ Griffon's bloodied face swam in front of his eyes. The smells of the bar swirled around Remus stronger than ever. He was part of it, part of the growing chaos.  It didn't matter that he had no choice in it- the darkness was inside him. Already part of him. Rising panic choked him. He had to get out of here. He pushed himself up from the table so quickly his chair shot into the wall behind him. 

"Moony?" Sirius stretched out a hand, but the look in Remus's eyes stopped him.

"I think sometimes that you forget _I'm a Dark creature, Padfoot. But I never do." He made his way blindly to the door, and didn't notice Sirius's troubled face as he watched him leave._

Author's Notes:  Tee hee. Surprised, aren't you? Didn't see that coming, did you? And the fun has only just begun. For Arabella, because it's her birthday and she walks the path of the One True Way. And for Erik, Engineer First Class on the HMS Remus/Sirius.  
  



	2. Chapter Two

The only sound in the flat was the steady thudding of his fingers on the kitchen table

_ _

**The Unknown Want** **Chapter Two** By Honeychurch and Lallybroch 

Disclaimer: If you really want to pretend that JK wrote this, we'll let you.

_ _

_Is it indeed toward your mate you sing? or is it really to me?_

_For I, that was a child, my tongue's use sleeping, now I have heard you,_

_Now in a moment I know what I am for, I awake,_

_And already a thousand singers, a thousand songs, clearer, louder and more sorrowful than yours,_

_A thousand warbling echoes have started to life within me, never to die._

_-Walt Whitman, "Out of the Cradle Endlessly Rocking"_

The only sound in the flat was the steady thudding of his fingers on the kitchen table. Sirius twitched in his seat, briefly considered doing the dishes, and stared at the kitchen door. Where the hell was Moony? The picnic had ended an hour and a half ago- long enough for Sirius to have dropped off Natalia and come home.Long enough for him to have changed robes, read the Daily Prophet, and paced the length of the flat several times before settling down in the kitchen to lie in wait for Remus. 

The picnic today had been an unqualified disaster from his point of view. Remus' mood from the night before had not abated by this morning, and he barely said a word all day. Which really pissed Sirius off- why couldn't he just get mad and yell like a normal person? Remus' silences were far worse than anyone else's tantrums. For one thing, they were completely and totally distracting. It was absolutely impossible to concentrate on anything else when Remus was behaving like that.

Sirius checked his watch for the fourth time in fifteen minutes, sighed, and re-cataloged his numerous woes. Natalia was irritated with him now; she had made that quite clear when he dropped her off at her flat. 

"Why did you invite me to the stupid picnic if you weren't planning to talk to me the entire day?" He had to admit she had a point.But this, also, was all Remus' fault. He wouldn't swim; he wouldn't play Quidditch- he just sat under the same bloody tree all afternoon. What was he supposed to do? Just let Moony sit there like a lump with a dark look on his face? He was trying to be a good friend.Well, bugger that, because apparently everyone was pissed at him now. 

He thought about throwing something, but realized he'd just have to clean it up. Where had he put that bottle of Drambuie?

A soft 'pop' from the living room brought Sirius to his feet."Remus?" He tried to keep the annoyance out of his voice.

There was a long silence. "Padfoot? I didn't expect you to be home." Remus appeared in the doorway, his face tired.

"Where have you been?" The words came out more harshly than he'd intended. It was a demand, not a question.

Remus looked taken aback. "What? I was helping clean up after the picnic. What are you doing here? Where's Natalia?" 

"Home. What's wrong with you?" The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop them. 

"What?" The single word was spoken sharply, and Remus' eyes narrowed. 

"You know what I'm talking about.You stormed out of the bar last night, you hardly said two words all day today, and you're…" He stopped. Usually he could feel his way through any situation with Remus. True, his natural composure made it difficult to know what he was thinking. He had enormous reserves of control. But Sirius had known him so long, he'd become good at reading his moods, and he'd never seen him like this.

"I'm what?" The words were spoken mildly, but they were unmistakably a warning. 

"You've completely closed yourself off, and it's a really bad time for that, Moony." All of a sudden, he wanted to see him break. He wanted to see Remus lose that iron control; he wanted to _see him. "Five days. It's less than a week before the Fidelius Charm. And after that, how often will we see them? We won't, Remus.Not until this is all over, somehow. These are our last few days together."_

"You think I don't know that?" Remus' voice was still calm, but there was a dangerous edge to it.

"Then why did you spend the entire day ignoring all of us? Why won't you talk to us? What the hell happened yesterday?" Sirius found himself on his feet.

"I'm tired. I'm too tired for this." Remus ran his hand through his hair. "I'm going to bed."

"You're not leaving." Sirius moved to block the door."Not before this conversation is over."

"This conversation _is over." _

"No, it's not."

"Move aside." Remus closed the small distance between them; they were scant inches away from each other now, eyes locked.With a faint sense of shock, Sirius realized how easily this could turn into a physical confrontation. 

"No." Angry gold threatened to subsume the cool green in Remus' hazel eyes.Neither of them seemed to be blinking anymore, Sirius noted. He struggled to draw a breath against the weight on his chest. 

Remus finally broke eye contact. "It doesn't have anything to do with you, Sirius. It's my own affair." 

"That's the problem. Everything's your own affair."

"What are you talking about?"His tone of voice deflected the intensity of the moment; suddenly it was as if their conversation was no more than a friendly chat about the weather. 

Something inside Sirius broke open completely. "Jesus Christ, Moony! How the hell do you do that? I know you're seriously upset about something. And I know you're completely hacked off at me right now- I'm standing here blocking you from leaving your own damn kitchen. So talk to me! Yell at me! Don't you need anybody?" 

Remus' entire body froze. "I'm not baring my soul to _you. That doesn't mean I've shut the world out," he said finally._

"Then there is someone privy to the inner workings of Remus Lupin? I find that hard to believe." Sirius's voice was bitter and biting. "Oh, because haven't you heard? Ordinary mortals can't possibly _understand him."_

For a moment, Sirius thought that Remus was going to hit him. He'd never seen that look on Moony's face before.His familiar face was twisted into a mask of unguarded anger and something else…something that made his heart pound. It's the adrenaline, he thought. It's the charge of actually seeing him break. 

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" Remus nearly snarled.Sirius could feel the heat of Remus' anger enfold him, and he stiffened his pose in the doorway."What claim do you think you have on me? Give me one good reason my life should be an open book to you." He pinned Sirius with his eyes. 

Sirius opened his mouth, but no words emerged. He didn't know whether it was because he didn't have a good answer, or if it was just impossible to speak with Remus looking at him like that. 

"I thought so," Remus growled, and his arm shot out. Sirius found himself on the floor of the kitchen watching Remus slam the door of his bedroom before he knew what had happened. Well, he'd wanted to see him lose control, he thought, his heart hammering against his chest. He picked himself up from the floor shakily. Remus had never used his strength against him before, and God, he was strong. 

He wasn't willing to let this end here. Adrenaline was coursing through his body, and he thought it would be worth it to get good and beaten up if meant that Moony would talk to him. 

"Moony?" He strode over to Remus' door and pounded on it. "Moony!"

"Get. Away. From. The. Door." 

"Please? _Please. I know it has something to do with yesterday.With that werewolf.I don't know what you're thinking, Moony, but that's not you. It's got nothing to do with you. I've never seen you intentionally hurt anyone in my entire life."_

There was a long silence, and Sirius leaned against the door to catch any sounds behind it. Finally he heard Remus' voice. He was obviously right up against the other side of the door, but Sirius had to strain to catch the words. "Don't presume to know what I'm capable of, Padfoot. _I don't know what I'm capable of."_

***

The noise inside the Leaky Cauldron was clamorous, the booths and tables filled to capacity.All except one. Sirius and Natalia sat in a far corner, their table cloaked in uncomfortable silence.He'd fled to her house the night before, after his row with Remus.It hadn't been a very good idea, he could see that now, but at the time he'd been so wound up and restless he hadn't been able to think straight.And now there was an air of tension between them that seemed to be mounting with each passing moment.He looked across the table at Natalia, who sat fiddling with the napkin under the drink in front of her.

"Seems ridiculous to sit here in silence," Sirius offered, in an attempt at conversation.

She glanced up at him, with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "Yes, I suppose so." 

"I'm sorry that I've been so…distracted lately.It's just that I'm so concerned about Lily and James…"  
  


Natalia shook her head quickly. "No, Sirius. They've got a really bad situation right now, and I know you have to help them.I just wish that when you _were with me, you'd be happier about it. It just seems that we never have any time to ourselves." She gave him a searching glance and then spoke, tentatively."It seems like, maybe, you don't want to be alone with me." _

He rolled his eyes and sighed loudly. "Now, that _is ridiculous."The instant he finished speaking, he spotted Remus across the room.Oh dear Lord.He'd forgotten that he'd invited Moony. This was going to require some delicate handling._

"Er…Natalia? Don't get mad, okay?" Perhaps not the best opening. With a look of dawning comprehension, she scanned the room.Her face turned thunderous as she spotted Remus.

"I don't believe you," she hissed.

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. It's just that we had a bit of a row last night. We're all rather having a time of it lately, and I thought it would be good if--"

"You had a fight last night?" She interrupted him. "You…and….he? Had a fight?" It was as if she was on the verge of solving a difficult Arithmancy problem. "Would this fight have taken place about fifteen minutes before you came over to my flat?" Her voice scaled up, and had Sirius been paying closer attention, he would have caught the outrage. 

"Shh, he's almost here. Hey, Moony!" He waved his hand so Remus could locate them in the crowded pub. Okay, so maybe this wasn't such a great idea.This afternoon, it had seemed like a brilliant tactic. Natalia could be a buffer between he and Remus, and Remus' presence could diffuse the awkwardness of his ill-planned visit to Natalia's last night.But from the look on Moony's face as he spotted Natalia at the table, he might have set himself up for a really uncomfortable situation.

"Have a seat, Moony." His best defense, Sirius decided, was to be completely oblivious to the tension at the table. 

"Hello, Natalia." Remus' greeting was pleasant, but his spine was so stiff he resembled a coat-rack. 

"Good evening, Remus." She tried to approximate his tone, but there was a noticeable undercurrent of annoyance.

"I'm sorry. I won't interrupt your evening—I was just stopping to say hello." He ventured a half-smile.

"What are you talking about? I invited you. Sit down." Both Remus and Natalia shot him looks- Remus' exasperation, Natalia's incredulity. 

"No, that's fine. You two have a nice evening." Remus nodded at them and turned to go, but Sirius seized his arm and pulled him into the chair.

A very long, very tense silence followed. 

"Should we order wine?" attempted Sirius, brightly.

"Look, I'm just going to go." Remus started to rise, but Sirius shot out his hand in protest.   
  


"No! You're staying. We're all staying." 

Natalia gave him a searching look and reached for her bag. "No, Sirius. We're not. I can tell when I'm not needed. I'm going home."Seeing that Remus was hastily rising again, she stopped him, shaking her head as she stepped away from the table. "Goodbye Sirius, Remus." And she turned, striding quickly from the pub.

Sirius sat back in utter shock.Somewhere along the line this evening had gone horribly wrong, and he was at a loss to explain why.

Remus was gesturing frantically toward the door. "Go after her, you daft bastard!"

Sirius nodded mutely, and bounded toward the door. Stepping out onto the deserted street, he spotted Natalia already halfway down the block.He raced down the street, shouting after her. "Natalia! Please wait!" 

She stopped at the corner, and waited for him to catch up.The street-lantern burning above her head gave Natalia's face a fierce intensity."I don't really think there's anything to say, Sirius." 

"Nothing to say?" he spluttered. "After all this time there's nothing to say? Shouldn't we at least talk about this? Please don't do this, not now. " 

"Do what? I haven't done anything. That's the material point!I should have done _this a long time ago." _

"Why?" His brow furrowed as he said angrily, "I don't understand why you're doing it now!"

Natalia gave him a piercing glance, and then spoke so quietly Sirius had to strain to hear."You won't like what I'm going to say."

"Please, Natalia. Just say something."

Her eyes narrowed. "Fine. I'm just not prepared to be someone else's stand-in." 

He shook his head. "I don't have a clue what you're talking about." 

"Oh, I think you do. There's something going on here, and it doesn't have a thing to do with me. Last night proved that."

He grimaced. "Look, I already said I was sorry that I was a little…rough. I don't know what else to say." 

Natalia smiled sadly. "I wouldn't have minded, Sirius, if it had been about us. But it wasn't…and it hasn't been for a while. It's not fair to me, Sirius. And I won't do it anymore. Goodbye." She paused for a moment and then turned away.He watched until her dark figure disappeared into the horizon. 

Remus was still sitting at the table, looking as nervous as Remus ever looked.He raised an eyebrow questioningly.Sirius shook his head, and sat back on his chair with a defeated thud.Remus quickly leaned forward, a look of concern on his face.

"I'm sorry, Sirius. Did she tell you why?"Sirius nodded dispiritedly.

"She said it wasn't about her. That it hadn't been for a while. I'm not sure what I did to make it about me, but that's what she said." He shrugged. "I guess…she's right.I've been so wrapped up in myself, with Lily and James, and I suppose I haven't been very attentive to her." He heaved a great sigh and shook his head. "I've been dumped. That fucking sucks." 

Remus nodded sympathetically. "Had the two of you talked about a future together? I mean, the other night you were considering marriage and now…" He trailed off. Sirius shrugged and looked away.

"I never mentioned it to her. I got scared, I suppose. Big step, and all that. Anyway, aren't you the one that said it wasn't a good idea?"

"Hey, I never said that. I said I thought it was sudden, that's all. Besides, I'm not the one to be asking about things like that." Sirius could tell Remus was getting irritated and he knew he should let the subject drop; they were moving into tender territory here. But he found he couldn't help himself.During the last few days, he'd been seeing an entirely different side of his friend, and he wanted more. 

"Why do you keep saying that, Moony? What is it that makes you unqualified as an advisor? Haven't you ever been in love?" He instantly regretted his words. Remus' eyes narrowed, and Sirius could see that unfathomable _something glinting from inside them. And then it was gone, locked away behind Remus' resolve. _

"Are you trying to pick a fight, Sirius?" Remus spoke quietly; his precise words a mix of threat and steel. 

Sirius shook his head. "No. I don't want to fight anymore. I just want you to talk to me, Remus.I know that you're…" but Remus cut him off sharply. 

"You don't _know. You can't." _

Sirius knew he was right. There were aspects of Remus' life that he knew he could never fully appreciate, and it tore at him. "Okay, fine.I don't _know. But you could help me to understand, couldn't you?"_

Remus folded his arms as Sirius gazed at him imploringly. "_Please, Moony." _

"Werewolves mate for life. Did you know that? Do you know what that _means?"_

Sirius leaned forward, his startled brain racing. He spoke slowly and deliberately. "You mean…if you…it's…"  
  


Remus laughed mirthlessly. "Yes, Sirius. That's exactly what it means." Sirius sat back, and hoped that he didn't look as incredulous as he felt. He could feel Remus watching him.

"Okay, Moony. I'll admit it. That is _not what I thought you were going to say." He shook his head, laughing, unable to stop the goofy grin that was spreading over his face. Thankfully, Remus was laughing as well, and Sirius could feel some of the tension between them dissipating._

"Aren't you glad you asked?"   
  
Sirius nodded, still laughing. "So, now what? Any other deep, dark secrets you'd care to share tonight?" 

Something flickered again in his bottomless hazel eyes, but Remus smiled, and shook his head. Raising his hand, he signaled the bartender. Remus grinned broadly at the inquiring look Sirius gave him."Only one thing left to do, mate. Drink heavily in an attempt to forget what a lousy prick you are."

***

If Sirius drank any more, he really would forget who he was.He was having a hard enough time staying in his chair.He opened his eyes widely in an attempt to clear the blur, and succeeded enough to see Remus leaning forward, his elbows resting haphazardly on the table. Remus raised his head, and peered at Sirius through the one eye he was able to keep open.

"I think that last whisky shot was the bad one, Siriusss." He snickered. "Siriusss. You have a silly name. So many s'sss. Makes me sound drunk." 

Sirius chortled loudly. "You _are drunk, you prat. You're very, very drunk." He tried to point an admonishing finger at his inebriated friend, but found that he was suddenly unable to focus his eyes on just one Remus. "Stop moving around, Moony! I'm trying to point at you!" _

Remus giggled. "I'm not moving! I'm sitting. I'm sitting very still. You're the drunk one. You can't even point!" 

"I think you're both fairly gone, gents. Time to pack it in." Both Remus and Sirius turned drunkenly toward Tom the bartender who was standing over them, both hands on his hips in a position of fatherly concern. 

Sirius looked from Tom, to Remus, and back to Tom in confusion. "We're not gone, Tom! We're right here!" Tom shook his head, and offered both hands to the drunken men. He pulled them up with the familiarity of a man who's seen lifetime of similar sights, and pushed them toward the stairs. 

"Neither of you are going home tonight. Room 3's open. I won't take the chance of you to gits trying to Apparate and getting yourselves splinched." 

Remus stopped and grabbed Sirius's arm as he stumbled. He turned back to Tom. "You're just the nicest man, Tom." 

Tom grinned, and shook his head. "Get along with you upstairs, now. There's water on the nightstand. Take my advice and drink some. " 

They stumbled toward the open staircase. Sirius wrapped his arm around Remus' waist. "I have to hold you up. You'll fall down if I don't!" He exclaimed in response to the look Remus gave him. Remus laughed as Sirius tripped over the front step. He looped his arm around Sirius' back and half-carried him up the stairs.He kicked open the door to Room 3 and dropped Sirius inside the darkened room.

"Ouch, Moony. That hurt." He pouted at Remus and rubbed the sore spot on his bum. He could hear Remus stumbling around the darkened room, cracking into furniture and swearing.

"I can't find the bloody-ow-sodding-ouch!-light. What's this? Oh, it's the bed." A soft thud came from the direction of the bed, as Remus dropped onto it. "Screw the light anyway. Too much work." 

It was suddenly very apparent to Sirius that water was an immediate necessity. "Moony?" His voice wavered. "Can I have the water?" He heard Remus rolling off the bed, and fumbling along the nightstand. "Can't see a bloody thing…oh, here…" Remus made his way along the floor, and approached Sirius' prone form.He thrust the goblet into Sirius' waiting hand. "Water!" 

Clumsily, Sirius drank from the goblet, spilling most of the contents down the length of his robes. "Oh. I…spilled. Look!" He grabbed for Remus' arm.

"It's dark! I can't see. Oh. Right."Remus fumbled in his robes, finally pulling his wand from his pocket. "What's the spell for Lumos?" The wand's tip sparked, startling Remus and illuminating Sirius and his sodden robes.

Sirius gave him a look of utter agony. "Oh, Moony! I'm all wet," he moaned.

"Take your robe off, then!" 

"No!" Sirius moaned again. "I'll be practically starkers. And you won't. It'll be like that bad dream where I'm back at Hogwarts, standing in the Great Hall, and I look down and see that I'm _completely starkers and everyone's staring at me. And that's not even the worst part. I see Snape and he's…" _

Remus cut him off quickly, shuddering. "Fine! I'll take my robes off too. Anything to make you stop telling that story!" 

The dim light of the wand flickered as the two fumbled with their robes. Finally discarding the garments, Remus led the way toward the bed.They clambered up onto the soft bed, discovering that it was quite a snug fit for two grown men. But personal space didn't seem too crucial an issue to Sirius at the moment. He flopped down haphazardly, moving only when Remus nudged or pushed him out of the middle.

They lay in silence for a moment. Sirius found he was oddly comforted by the solid heat of Remus' body next to his.He breathed in pine and musk, a scent distinctly Remus, and found he was comforted by that as well.

"Moony?"

"Mm-hmm?" Remus answered groggily. 

"You're very strong, aren't you. I forget sometimes…that you're so strong." The words came unbidden from his mouth. His drunken state had obviously loosened his tongue. 

"Yes. I'm very, very strong. I'm also very, very drunk." 

Sirius giggled. God. He _was_ drunk. "Because you don't look as strong as you are," he continued. "And then you surprise me." His addled brain was swirling with vague thoughts and actions, but one idea was coming through crystal clear.

He wanted to _touch_ Remus. 

With the certainty of the very drunk, Sirius reached out a wavering hand until it came in contact with Remus' forearm. It was solid and sinewy, covered with a layer of soft hair.Unconsciously, his fingers stroked upwards, sliding along Remus' arm, along the powerful bicep.It was the strangest thing, to feel the steely musculature of Remus' body. It was all angles and curves, covered with hair, so unlike anything Sirius had ever known. Dimly, he became aware of his desire to touch more. He paused briefly at the sculpted shoulder, waiting for Remus to stop him, but he made no sound.Encouraged, he trailed his fingers down Remus' sternum.He heard a sharp intake of breath as his fingers traveled along Remus' hard stomach, and he splayed his hand full out across the rigid plane. Something tightened inside his chest, as he felt Remus tensing beneath him. Tentatively, his fingers brushed against the pattern of hair just beneath his navel. Suddenly, Sirius felt a strong grip encircle his wrist. He slowly exhaled. "Sorry. I…um…" 

Remus cut him off, dropping his hand back by his side. "It's okay. Let's just go to sleep, alright?" 

"Yeah. That's a good idea."Sirius lay quietly, trying to make sense of what had just happened. He felt so odd…so…he couldn't put his finger on it. Not like he'd put his fingers on Remus. Which had been nice. Which was…odd…really…because…he drifted off to sleep.

_Author's Notes: This particular installment is dedicated to Honeychurch's potential hedgehog that will not be named Seamifer, and to Signy, the werewolf girl, who has the potential to be the cheesiest character ever created in the history of fan fiction-which is saying a lot. _

_ _


	3. Chapter Three

The Unknown Want Chapter Three Disclaimer: It's taking J.K. even longer than it took us to write anything new, so we don't feel bad playing with them. Warnings: Boys in love swear a lot. Also, you know, SLASH AHOY!  
  
Shine! shine! shine!  
  
Pour down your warmth, great sun.  
  
While we bask, we two together. Two together!  
  
Winds blow south, or winds blow north,  
  
Day come white, or night come black,  
  
Home, or rivers and mountains from home,  
  
Singing all time, minding no time,  
  
While we two keep together. -Walt Whitman, "Out of the Cradle Endlessly Rocking"  
  
The glare of morning sunlight against his eyelids brought Sirius into reluctant consciousness. He could feel a headache hovering, waiting to pounce. He screwed his eyelids tighter together in protest, burrowed his head deeper into his oddly silky pillow and tried to go back to sleep. This felt nice. This felt better than nice. He'd never felt so completely peaceful upon waking before- the impending headache notwithstanding. His arm tightened around the figure next to him, and he drifted back off into a light doze.  
  
He managed another few minutes of peace before a snuffle from the figure next to him jolted him, rousing a vague shock of recognition. What the hell had happened last night? He tried to force his brain to think. The bed underneath him was clearly not his own; from what he could tell, he wasn't wearing his robes, and he was tightly curled around an unidentified bedmate. He had a strong feeling that his mother would not be proud of him right now. His brain swam and smarted. Well, he wasn't as concerned about this as he should be, he concluded finally. Despite the encroaching hangover, it was too cozy to commence with the morning after recriminations. But he was now undeniably awake, and as reluctant as he was to disturb this pleasant status quo, he tried to make himself remember what had gotten him here.  
  
Damn.  
  
One extremely awkward dinner with Remus and Natalia. Check. One humiliating public break-up. Check. Oh, he definitely remembered that. He cringed in recollection. Frantically, he groped for any memory of subsequent events. He'd been at the pub, and there was some Firewhiskey, right. And then he and Moony... Moony. Jesus. He was in bed with Moony. He wasn't just in bed with him, either. He was adhered to him, head to toe. Involuntarily, his eyes popped open. A shard of pain shot through his skull, and he pressed his face into Remus' shoulder, trying to block the merciless morning light. He blinked a few times to focus, and found himself looking at a curtain of soft brown hair, gently moving in time to his own breath.  
  
Remus' breaths were slow and even, and Sirius saw no good reason to wake him. Besides, he'd never been this close to a completely peaceful Remus. He looked so tousled and relaxed. He found himself breathing in the same rhythm, as if the dissonance of an unsynchronized breath would disturb him. He really wasn't going to move anytime soon, he realized with faint shock. He wasn't planning to get out of this bed at all...and that wasn't...maybe he shouldn't... and then it was too late. He was asleep.  
  
The next awakening was far more jarring and immediate.  
  
"Awk," Sirius half yelped, most of his breath stolen by the sharp elbow in his ribs.  
  
"Wha-" Remus had evidently turned over in his sleep and rolled right on top of him. He watched Remus' eyes blink twice and focus.  
  
"Um, Good Morning?" He ventured. The smile that was his reply stopped his breathing as effectively as the elbow had. A totally spontaneous, full faced smile he'd only seen on the rarest of occasions lit Remus' face. It made him aware of every hair on the back of his neck.  
  
"I'm sorry- I didn't mean to-" Remus stopped. The smile slowly faded from his mouth, but the light didn't leave his eyes.  
  
Seconds ticked, and neither of them moved. Dimly, Sirius thought this was odd. One of them should be at least chagrined. Maybe even horrified. Moving would be good, too. The silence was getting very long- one of them should say something.  
  
Perhaps he should blink.  
  
Seen at this distance, Remus had a lot of green in his eyes. He had really nice eyes.  
  
He drew in air in preparation to speak.  
  
"You have really nice eyes." His cheeks went hot. Wow. Well, that wasn't what he'd meant to say at all. He couldn't look Remus in the eye, didn't want to see his reaction to that. But the proximity of their faces left very few other places for his focus, and his eyes dropped to his lips.  
  
One of them should really move. Why wasn't Remus moving?  
  
He could see that Remus' lips were shaping words, but he couldn't hear them. He wasn't sure if this was because he wasn't making any sound, or if he just couldn't hear it above the pounding of his heart in his ears. Those lips were nearly as nice as his eyes. And if he leaned up just a bit, he could touch them with his own, which wasn't really an idea he was having so much as something he already seemed to be doing. Remus' head mirrored his, his clear eyes turning slightly cloudy. Remus, it seemed, was having a similar idea.  
  
The brush of Remus's lips was so soft it tickled.  
  
"Christ!" Sirius jackknifed, throwing Remus up and backwards. "Christ!" He scrambled off the edge of the bed. "What in the bloody hell was that?" He scrambled on the floor for his robes. They were still slightly sodden, but it seemed important to have a layer between him and what had almost happened.  
  
"I think I'm still drunk. I mean, I'm obviously still drunk." He heard himself blither. "We're clearly pissed out of our minds..." He looked up from fumbling for the neck of his robes to see a stone-faced Remus clothed and heading straight for the door.  
  
"Hey! Where are you going?"  
  
Remus didn't slow, or turn, or look at him. Sirius had a sudden flash of deja vu. Oh no. Not again. Still half crouched, he launched himself at the door a second before Remus reached it. He managed to block the doorknob, his arm still only halfway through his sleeve. What the hell, he thought. It's not like I have any dignity left.  
  
"Don't do this." The snarl was well masked by precise consonants.  
  
"Do what?"  
  
"I don't want to have to move you."  
  
"What, you mean our new hobby? Go ahead. Throw me around a little. The room is pitching already."  
  
"Shut up! Jesus, Sirius! Don't you ever shut up?" There was a note in his voice that made Sirius search out his eyes. Remus was almost completely absent from his eyes- it was the Wolf that Sirius was looking at, now. Sirius had never been so frightened in his life.  
  
It wasn't the simple fear that the Wolf would rip him to shreds. He understood that fear. He felt it still, sometimes, but it was a clean fear, one that didn't bother him anymore than the fear of being killed on his motorbike.  
  
He didn't want to look at it anymore, but Remus' eyes would not let him go.  
  
He wants me, he thought. But that was too small.  
  
Mine, said the eyes that held him.  
  
Oh my God, oh my God, ohmygod, his mind babbled. Yours, yes. And then: I don't know him at all. Their friendship...Remus himself...was just a thin veneer over this fathomless, primal thing. He wasn't supposed to see this. This was ruining everything. This was ruining him.  
  
But it didn't matter.  
  
The Wolf- was claiming him. No, worse, he thought- had already claimed him; he'd just never confronted it before. Not from inside Remus, pouring out from his eyes. Something inside of him acknowledged this claim on him, made peace with it. The Wolf was still capable of tearing him to pieces- eating his heart from his chest cavity and enjoying it. It wasn't the violence that Remus could inflict upon him that had turned his body to stone and his stomach inside out. Remus could do anything to him. Anything.  
  
And he wouldn't stop him.  
  
Not couldn't.  
  
Wouldn't.  
  
And without thought, as if there was never any other choice, Sirius bared his neck and waited. The space of two heartbeats passed, and everything Sirius thought he understood and trusted lay suspended in them.  
  
Moony. Remus. Padfoot. The Wolf.  
  
Remus broke his gaze abruptly with a choked sound, but Sirius remained where he was, his gaze still frozen and his heart hammering.  
  
He felt hands on him, moving him, and he marveled at how gentle they were. Perhaps, he thought, he won't toy with me before he.  
  
Sirius shut his eyes. He felt Remus' touch leave him, and he waited in a vacuum of inevitability. Yes, he thought, and Oh God, please.  
  
The sound of the door closing behind Remus felt like a blow. He let his watery knees give and sank to the floor.  
  
*** 'This is pointless', Sirius thought, after his fifth Apparation of the hour. He was currently in a Quidditch pitch in Sussex he rather liked. In the past few hours, he'd been in Muggle London, Hogsmeade, the street in front of his flat, and a rather staggering variety of strip clubs, none of which he'd actually entered.  
  
By this time, all this random Apparating was sure to have rung a few bells at the Ministry. He was also quite certain a crowd had gathered at the Department of Magical Transportation and they were laying odds on when and where this idiot was going to splinch himself.  
  
Himself, he was betting that he had one good go left in him before his arse was in Surrey and his head somewhere near Yorkshire.  
  
"Sod it all," he said belligerently, and popped into the garden at Godric's Hollow.  
  
Sirius gave himself a thorough visual check to make sure he was entirely intact, and then plopped down in Lily's herb garden. The only thing he was entirely certain of at this point was that in two days from now he was supposed to be the lynchpin in a spell that would ensure the safety of his best friend, his wife, and his godson, and he was utterly incapable of such a position of trust. He wasn't his own man. If he'd learned anything this morning, it was that.  
  
His stomach clenched. The Remus of this morning bore no resemblance to the Remus he thought he understood. There was a canyon of darkness inside him about which he knew nothing. The fact was, he didn't know Remus at all. He didn't know himself.  
  
He'd never felt so entirely empty before.  
  
He'd always been so careless of everything; so certain that he and his small circle were untouched by the evil raging around them. It battered at their windows, it snatched up loved ones around him, but those inside were inviolate. He'd had faith that together they could keep it all at bay. He'd never once contemplated the possibility that the evil had been with them all along.  
  
Even when Dumbledore had warned them there could be a traitor close to them, and insisted they move up the date of the Fidelius charm, he'd never for a moment entertained the idea that it could be one of his dear ones.  
  
But now, he could only hear Remus saying, "I think sometimes that you forget I'm a Dark creature, Padfoot. But I never do." And now that he'd faced that darkness, he couldn't deny it any longer.  
  
"What are you doing? You've crushed all my sage, and half the dill." His head jerked up at the sound of Lily's voice.  
  
"Sirius? You look terrible. My God, what's wrong? What's happened?" Her voice shook.  
  
He choked on a laugh. "I don't know. Maybe you can tell me."  
  
"Is everyone all right? Nothing's happened to anyone, has it?"  
  
Sirius sketched a helpless gesture in the air and laid his head on his drawn up knees. Heedless of her robes, Lily dropped to the dirt beside him.  
  
"You're really frightening me, Sirius. Please."  
  
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He looked up into her pale face. "No, everyone's fine, for all I know. Which seems to be shockingly little, I've recently discovered."  
  
She let out a small exhalation of relief. "Well, you're obviously very far from fine. Come on. Get up out of the dirt and come inside." She rose to her feet and brushed the dirt from her skirt.  
  
"Come on." She extended her hand to help him up. Sirius looked at it blankly for a moment, and then shrugged and let her pull him to his feet.  
  
"What's going on, Sirius?" She opened the door to the cottage and ushered him inside.  
  
He looked around at the cozy cottage that had been the headquarters of their friendship since Hogwarts. His home, really, although he didn't live here. It all looked different today. The edges were sharper, the shadows more pronounced. It took all the strength he had not to cry for the loss of the illusion. He dropped into the closest chair.  
  
"You're going to have to use Peter. I'm no good to you as a secret keeper. I've been...compromised." He let out another mirthless laugh.  
  
"What? How? What happened, Sirius?" Lily's voice was sharp.  
  
"I wish that I could tell you. But I'm not sure that I understand it myself. All I know is- Lily, are you absolutely certain that I'm loyal enough- strong enough- to bear this kind of responsibility? You're really willing to put your family's life in my hands?"  
  
"Yes." Her answer was firm and immediate.  
  
"How can you be sure?" He looked directly into her green eyes, which met his unwaveringly. "Because I thought that I knew, too. But it's very clear to me now that I was both blind and a fool."  
  
"Whom?" Her tones were impatient. "Whom are you talking about? You're frightening me, and I want you to stop this cryptic nonsense and tell me what is going on."  
  
He took a deep breath. "I think Remus might be the traitor."  
  
The crack of flesh upon flesh reverberated throughout the room. Lily spoke with deadly calm precision.  
  
"I will not allow you to say that in my home. Never dare do it again, Sirius - are we clear?"  
  
He nodded mutely, his cheek stinging.  
  
Lily's glittering eyes softened. "Sirius, our last- our only- defense is our friends. I need you to be strong for me.for Harry.for all of us. If we start to turn on each other, then Voldemort has already won."  
  
Sirius' face crumpled. "Lily.I.oh, god, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he mumbled. He ran a hand roughly over his jaw, unable to meet Lily's eyes. "I don't know what's happening to me. I feel like I'm losing my mind!" Leaning forward, he rested his head in his hands.  
  
Lily shook her head. "Sirius, why.why would you suspect Remus? I don't understand."  
  
He groaned from between his laced fingers. "Neither do I!" Sirius looked up earnestly. "I'm sorry, Lily. More sorry than I can say, honestly."  
  
She moved toward the sofa, settling lightly next to him. "I know you are." She smiled softly, and he smiled gratefully back at her. "Did something happen between you and Remus?"  
  
He got up and walked to the window, staring out at the ruined herb garden. "Have you ever thought about the fact that Remus is a Dark Creature? That his existence comes from Dark Magic?"  
  
Her answered surprised him. "Yes, Sirius. I have. I've thought about it ever since I learned his secret. And I've always wondered how he was able to bear it. It's a terrible struggle for him, Sirius. You, James, and Peter have never really thought about it that way. At first it was an excuse to break the rules, and then it just became a fact of life. You're so impetuous, so heedless. You took the leap into friendship and then never thought about him in any other light. And he needed that, too, to be accepted in such an uncomplicated way. But it's not that way for Remus. Everyday his good nature fights against the wolf, which is trying desperately to get out. He would never hurt any of us, Sirius. Not on purpose. It's his greatest fear, you know. He fears hurting an innocent, especially someone that he cares about."  
  
Sirius whirled back from the window, the words bursting from his lips in a torrent. "What if he tried? And what if I couldn't stop him? What if I didn't want to stop him?" He stopped abruptly, turning back to the window.  
  
Lily grabbed his arm, and twisted him toward him. Her voice was deadly calm. "What? What are you talking about? What happened between the two of you, Sirius?"  
  
He shook his head. "He was different, different than I had ever seen him before. I felt.strange. I felt."  
  
"What, Sirius? Keep going."  
  
He shook his head again, vigorously. "Forget it. It doesn't make any sense. Not in the light of day like this."  
  
Lily reached up, and turned his face to her. "Sirius. I have watched you and Remus ever since you were little boys and I know you. Tell me what you're feeling."  
  
He couldn't look at her and say it, but he couldn't stop himself from saying it. He spoke to the floor. "He owns me, Lily. He looked at me, and it was like I'd never seen him before in my life. It was as though, all these years, I was in the middle of a friendship, and he was..." He stopped and cleared his throat. "And I never knew. I had no idea."  
  
She reached over and put her hand on his. "And that felt like a betrayal."  
  
"I...yes."  
  
"Did you ever think that maybe he was trying to protect you?"  
  
"I don't need to be protected from him! I don't want to be protected from him. He had no right. If...that's how he felt...if..." He faltered. "Then that was my business just as much as his, and...God! I don't even know what I'm saying anymore."  
  
Gazing steadily at him, she moved the hand that still held hers to his chest. "Yes. Yes you do. Tell me what's in here, in your heart. And don't be afraid."  
  
A rushing was sounding in his ears, and Sirius drew in an unsteady breath before speaking. "I feel.possessive. And possessed, at the same time," he started, haltingly. "I need.to be around him all the time and I'm anxious when he's gone. I think I." He trailed off, uncertainly.  
  
"You think you.?" Lily's voice was barely above a whisper. "Finish it, Sirius. Do it."  
  
The knot in Sirius' stomach twisted like a knife, and his heart seemed to be frantically trying to beat its way out of his chest. "I think I'm.in love with him, Lily. I think I love him."  
  
He was startled at the ease with which the words slipped from his lips. They were already gone before he could even comprehend their meaning. His wide eyes met Lily's grinning ones. Laughing, she threw her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek.  
  
"Oh, Sirius. I've been waiting so long for you to realize it!" She clapped her hands together. "But there's somebody who's been waiting even longer."  
  
Sirius' brain was still racing, and he barely caught her words. "Wait. Wait! You've been waiting for me to realize.and he's been waiting.?" He looked up at Lily. "Remus is.I'm mean, he's.with me?"  
  
"Yes, you idiot, of course he is." She laughed.  
  
Suddenly, he had a picture in his mind of he and Remus in their own flat. He and Remus in their home, safe and together. A home, like Godric's Hollow.  
  
"Oh, God, Lily. The charm." His buoyancy was gone. How could he forget how fleeting this could be?  
  
"You can't do it, Sirius."  
  
"Oh, now I can't be trusted?"  
  
"I trust you implicitly, you know that. But your loyalty is to more than just James and I, now, and that's as it should be. Peter will be more than willing to stand in your stead. He's free of entanglements, and he loves us dearly. He's already offered more than once. I'm so happy for you, Sirius, and don't worry. We'll be safe."  
  
"Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure?"  
  
"Go home to Remus. I promise you it will all work out as it should."  
  
Suddenly, the events of the day came flooding back to Sirius. He jumped to his feet.  
  
"Moony! Oh, god, Lily. I was such an ass this morning. He's never going to forgive me."  
  
"Oh, Sirius. I think when he hears what you have to say, he's definitely going to forgive you," she answered, laughing.  
  
"I've got to go!" He kissed her quickly on the cheek and headed for the door. He stopped, and turned back to her. "Lily.thank you. Thank you."  
  
She smiled. "You're welcome, Sirius. Now, go! Know yourself, know Remus, and don't be afraid."  
  
He returned her smile. "I won't. Not anymore." He turned and ran from the room, shouting good-byes to Harry and James over his shoulder. Lily heard the soft pop of Apparation, and stood looking into the garden for a long time.  
  
"Harry, does it look all clear in there?" Lily looked toward the doorway, and saw her son's black curls peering around the corner. James' disembodied voice came from behind the wall. Harry giggled, and clapped his hands. "I'll take that as a yes." He entered the room, carrying Harry, and looking curious.  
  
Lily laughed, and Harry responded, reaching toward her with chubby hands. She took him, and kissed his head as he snuggled against her. She took James' hand and led him to the sofa. "Sit down, love. There's something I have to tell you."  
  
***  
  
Sirius popped into the back courtyard of his flat, and promptly tripped over a bicycle. He barely noticed his skinned knee- his eyes were on the windows of his home. The lights were on, thank God. Remus was home, and he took a moment to be thankful for that. He didn't want to waste any more time. While his world continued to rearrange itself around him in a way that finally, finally made sense, the undercurrent of urgency had turned into a steady hum of now, now, now, now thudding in his ears.  
  
What was wrong with him? How had he not known this...thing, this essential, wonderful, undeniable thing? Remus. Him. Him and Remus. He'd been an idiot for...Christ. Maybe ten years. He dashed up the steps and grabbed the doorknob.  
  
"Moony, mate. You're in love with an ass."  
  
***  
  
From his bedroom, he could hear the front door thudding into the jamb. He tightened his fingers on the robe he was folding until it creased in his hands, but he kept on neatly matching seams, shaping it into a perfect rectangle. He deposited it in the open trunk at the end of his bed. He had to prepare. Any second now. Any second Sirius was going to come careening through that door, and-  
  
"Moony!" His black hair was windblown, and there was a streak of dirt across his cheek. He forced his eyes back into the half filled trunk. He didn't need to look at him. His energy seemed to coat the room with a film of electricity, and not looking at him was not making him any less aware.  
  
He picked up another robe, and resolutely began to fold. Just concentrate, he told himself. One task after another. You're almost done, and then you can leave, and then you...  
  
He didn't quite manage a perfect rectangle.  
  
***  
  
He wouldn't look at him. He fucking wouldn't look at him.  
  
"You're packing."  
  
Either Moony thought that was self evident, or he wasn't talking to him, either. He ran his hand through his tousled hair and dropped himself on the end of the bed. He'd almost forgotten about this morning. Well, no, of course he hadn't forgotten about this morning, he'd spent the entire day doing nothing but dissecting it.  
  
But he'd changed the ending, and Remus had no idea.  
  
"Don't leave. You don't have to leave. I mean, there's no reason. I know. I mean, I know. I figured out a lot of stuff today, and - "  
  
He'd better still love me, he thought. It would be just my luck if he fell out of love with me on the day I fell in love with him. God, was I unforgivable this morning? Surely I've been a bigger prat than that before and he's forgiven me- I mean, if he loved me through that punk phase, what's a small homosexual panic attack?  
  
"Please still be in love with me." Why didn't he have any control over what came out of his stupid mouth?  
  
Remus slammed the trunk shut and strode over to the closet. Sirius winced.  
  
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I mean...I love you, too." He jumped to his feet and followed him. "I'm in love love with you. Could you please look at me?"  
  
Remus brushed past him on his way to the chest of drawers.  
  
***  
  
Remus' stomach churned. He can't mean it, he told himself. You know how Sirius loves. Intensely. But rarely for longer than a month.  
  
Break your heart now, and you might not be completely destroyed. It's better this way, he counseled himself. He'd never intend to ruin you, but you know he doesn't mean it. Not the way you need him to.  
  
This will only end badly. So end it now.  
  
***  
  
"Are you in there?! Are you listening to me at all?"  
  
Every time Sirius tried to intercept him, to force him to look him in the eye, Remus mechanically changed course around the tiny bedroom. It was beginning to make him feel slightly ridiculous.  
  
"This isn't fair, Remus. This isn't how you treat a friend. I know you're mad at me, but you could at least acknowledge my existence."  
  
Remus began to fill a box with the assorted photos and toiletries on the top of the bureau. Sirius watched him for a minute, hoping that he'd give up this pretense and talk to him. Remus completed his task in total silence and turned toward the trunk, resolute.  
  
Sirius stepped in front of him. Remus was now hemmed in by the bureau, the wall, and Sirius, who plucked the box from his grasp. He tossed it on the bed.  
  
"You won't listen to reason," he said by way of apology, and then Remus' head was cradled in his hands, and his lips were making his argument.  
  
Remus was completely still, but he tasted good, and felt good, and when Remus gasped, he slid his tongue in his mouth. And then Remus wasn't still anymore. He was clutching his robes, and sucking on his lower lip. He'd never felt anything like this before. He closed his eyes and hung on.  
  
***  
  
Oh God. Oh God.  
  
He wasn't strong enough for this. He wanted to climb inside Sirius; he wanted to live in this electrical, beautiful moment.  
  
It was so hard to remember that he couldn't have this. You can't have this. He wrenched himself away and stumbled against the bureau.  
  
He had to get out.  
  
***  
  
He watched as Remus shakily pulled his wand from his robes and tapped the trunk. His chest was heaving, and his breath came in shudders, but it lifted off the floor and floated toward the door. Remus followed it.  
  
"Please. You can't keep doing this. Don't leave." He marveled that his voice was steady. He was going to hit something, or cry- something completely embarrassing. "You may doubt me, or think I'm crazy, but you can't leave. You'll tell yourself it's over, and you'll never see me, or you'll see me and you'll be pleasant, like I'm just a person you knew once. And that'll be it. You'll never come back to this. I know you- you won't let yourself do that. And then it's over before it starts."  
  
Remus hovered by the door, but he wasn't going through it, so Sirius walked toward him.  
  
"Let me explain it, okay? Just let me tell you everything and.and plead my case. And afterwards, if you still don't believe me.well, I won't stop you. Agreed?" Several long moments passed, and then Remus nodded curtly.  
  
"Agreed."  
  
Sirius exhaled a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. His heart began to throb painfully inside his chest. He was acutely aware of the fact that the entirety of his life's happiness rested precariously on his oral report skills.  
  
Sirius cleared his throat. "First off, let me just say that I'm really sorry that it took me so long to come around. I've been a daft prick and I'm sorry." He paused, searching Remus' face for a reaction. Nothing. "Second, I want you to.no, I need you to know that this didn't just happen tonight. It's always been there, right in front of me. I just didn't know how to put the pieces together. I love you, Moony. I always have. I just...didn't know it yet." Remus grunted and looked away. "Or maybe I did and I was just afraid.I don't know. I'm sorry I wasn't brave enough to figure it out until now."  
  
He stopped again, waiting for some sign from Remus that he was on the right track. Still nothing. A spark of irritation swept through him. Was the man made of stone? Sirius grabbed a nearby chair and planted it firmly in front of Remus. He sat and leaned forward, resting his elbows in his knees. I know you think that I'm impetuous and stupid and that I'm going to wake up tomorrow and have regrets. But do you want to know the only regret I'm going to have? It will be the fact that I've waited so long to tell you this and the fact that I've wasted so much time with people who meant nothing to me.when all along." He broke off as the words caught in his throat. Remus opened his mouth, and then closed it again, as if unsure what to say.  
  
Sirius stood up abruptly, and walked away from the sofa. He turned back to Remus and their eyes locked for a moment, before Remus looked away. He dragged his hand through a tuft of black hair. "It's funny, you know. Looking back on school.a lot of stuff makes sense."  
  
"What do you mean?" Remus asked, warily.  
  
"Do you remember those green robes you had in Sixth Year?"  
  
Remus thought for a moment, before nodding slowly. "Vaguely. Why?"  
  
"I liked them. I always told myself it was the material, or.something. But honestly, I thought they made you look..nice." He shrugged sheepishly. "There's other stuff like that, of course. I could tell you more.if you want." He felt his cheeks flush at the thought of sharing some of the more personal experiences. Damn, the man was making him blush.  
  
Remus smiled softly and shook his head. Sirius moved quickly, crouching down on the floor in front of him. "That's what I'm trying to explain, Remus. It's little bits and pieces of information that I just couldn't put together in my head. And now, finally, I've got it all worked out and." He paused and slowly put his hands over Remus' folded ones. "Please don't punish me because I took so long to get to this place. I love you, Moony. And I want you...I want you more than anything I've ever wanted in my life."  
  
***  
  
Remus wouldn't allow himself to let out the breath he was holding. His brain was swimming. It was impossible. It didn't make any sense. But here was Sirius, his large hands warm and strong on Remus' own, staring back at him expectantly. And for a moment Remus allowed himself to slip... He indulged in the thought of a life where Sirius' hands weren't just on him tonight, but every night, and the terrible empty uncertainty that Remus had been carrying his entire life was a thing easily swept away by a pair of winking brown eyes.  
  
But he knew better than anyone that things weren't that easy. He pulled back his hands slowly and folded them in his own lap. "I know that you think what you're feeling is real. But it isn't. You're confusing wanting and loving. You fall in and out of love twice a day, Sirius. But this is it for me. You can change your mind in two weeks...but I can't. Do you get that?" Remus felt panic setting in. He needed Sirius to understand, to see that this was more than he would be able to bear...couldn't Sirius see that this was the thing he'd been waiting for his entire life?  
  
Sirius shook his head furiously. "That's not fair, Remus, and you know it! Do you think any of this is bloody easy? You think I'd be doing this for a little...Christ, do you really think I'd use you like that?  
  
Remus felt a flash of guilt. But he had to steel himself against the inevitable hurt, didn't he? He'd rather spend the rest of his life alone than have it all end as painfully as he knew it would have to. His heart gave a sudden twist as he took in Sirius' wounded expression.  
  
"Not on purpose, Sirius. I know you wouldn't. But you're not thinking clearly...you're confusing-"  
  
"I'm not confusing anything, Remus." Sirius captured Remus' hand again and slowly rubbed his fingers over Remus' knuckles. "I think that for the first time I'm actually clearing some things up." His voice was ragged and the look of blatant desire in his eyes forced Remus to his feet. Backing away from the sofa, all he could think of was finding escape.  
  
"I can't do this, Sirius. Please don't do this to me." He wished that he could keep the desperate tone out of his voice, but his resolve was weakening and if Sirius didn't stop looking at him like that- he knew what Sirius wanted, it was coming off him in waves and Remus almost felt light- headed with the scent.  
  
"I guess I didn't think," Sirius muttered.  
  
Remus felt his heart give another ugly twist. But it was better that Sirius have his seconds thoughts now, before things progressed...wasn't it? Was this really better somehow? He was having a hard time imagine what could be worse.  
  
"It was presumptuous, I suppose, for me to think that I could just show up declaring my love and expect you to feel exactly the same. But even if you think that this isn't what you want right now, it's not going to change how I feel." Sirius' voice faltered on the last few words.  
  
"What?" This was not at all what he'd been expecting.  
  
Sirius put out his hands, pleading. "Just let me finish. I just want you to know that I'm not giving up. I love you, Remus and I'm going to prove it to you if it takes me the rest of my life. This is not the end."  
  
Remus could feel himself losing the few precious bits of control he had left. "Do you think that I don't want all of this? That I don't want to just say yes, yes, I love you too, and I want everything?" He realized that he was shouting, but it didn't seem to matter any longer. "Of course I love you. Of course I want you! But we can't...I can't. I'm...I'm afraid."  
  
"Then don't give up on me, Moony!" Sirius leapt to his feet and closed the expanse between them in two strides. He stopped in front of Remus and stood silently for a moment, studying him. Then slowly and deliberately, Sirius slid his hands along either side of Remus' face and leaned forward until his lips barely touched the outer curve of Remus' ear. "You can trust me, Moony," he whispered softly. "You can trust me with all of it, because I know what it means. It means forever, Remus. It means I want you to claim your mate."  
  
***  
  
Mate.  
  
Remus felt an intense rush of exhilaration. Claim. Mate. The words rang through his head and a powerfully possessive urge surged through his body. Something primal was stirring inside him and he doubted that his weary mind would be able to fight it.  
  
And he knew that he wasn't even going to try.  
  
Sirius stepped back and stared at him, silently waiting for Remus to respond. "Are you sure?" Remus whispered hoarsely.  
  
His voice was steady. "More than I've ever been about anything."  
  
Remus reached out ,and Sirius moved toward him automatically. Their lips brushed gently and Remus felt strong arms slipping around his waist. And as their mouths met in deep, frantic kisses, one thought sang Remus' head.  
  
Mine.  
  
Sirius sighed softly, and leaned forward, resting his forehead against Remus'. They stood silently for a moment, and Remus wondered how long it would take before he was able to breathe again. Judging from the look on Sirius' face, it would be some time. The heady scent of Sirius' excitement filled his nostrils and desire went coursing through his body.  
  
He wanted Sirius and it was a delicious victory to know that he was going to take him.  
  
His mate.  
  
His.  
  
Forever.  
  
***  
  
Remus awoke in much the same fashion as he had the morning before; only this time when he rolled over onto Sirius, he was immediately pulled down into a passionate kiss. By the time Sirius released him he was flushed and breathless.  
  
"Hi," murmured Remus sleepily. Sirius curled up beside him, and propped his head in his hand.  
  
"Hi." He was grinning so widely that Remus couldn't help but smile back. "I've been watching you. You know, you're really cute when you're sleeping. You look about twelve, and you snore."  
  
He considered arguing with him for a moment, but instead he rolled back over on top of Sirius and silenced him with another kiss.  
  
He was going to love getting used to this.  
  
***  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES:  
  
HC: So, in the time it took us to complete this chapter, two Harry Potter movies have been released, they've debunked the food pyramid, and my hedgehog Seamus passed from the earth. This chapter is dedicated to his memory. May flights of angel hedgehogs sing you to your rest, my sweet prince.  
  
Lally: Well, things really fell apart when Sweaty Ron moved into my house. I had to spend a lot of time showering with him. There wasn't much time left for writing.  
  
HC: And then there was all the time I had to spend hiding in Canada while I got that whole extradition mess straightened out. But look! It's done now! You just finished Chapter Three! Woo!  
  
Lally: The One True Way rides again! Woo!  
  
HC: So, we gotta thank a bunch of people. Firstly, all y'all with the incessant nagging? Right on.  
  
Lally: Mad props to Lele and Gretch, our intrepid beta readers and research assistants. You guys rule the school for a multitude of reasons.  
  
HC: Thanx, thanx, thanx to the kewlest girls in the world- you know who they are. They all live at the Quill.  
  
Lally: And as ever, our undying love and affection for the best Erik in all the world.  
  
And now... coming in the fall of 2005...The Unknown Want: Chapter Five. 


End file.
